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I swear that I do like playing violin and helping with errands behind the scenes. But last week's concert… was exhausting. Both me and Aliff just now feel like we're recovering from the tiredness. Still, this is better than post-concert seven years ago, when the exhaustion lasted for months.

A few key musicians pulled out last minute despite fervently agreeing to perform themselves, and the programme was even designed around them. Being the rainmaker that he is, Aliff managed to make things work nonetheless. Setbacks, sabotages, and disappointments always happen; there hasn't been an event when everything went smoothly as expected. The good news is that some new audio tech experiments worked, and combining miked acoustic with electric violins also worked well.

I would deeply love if I could concentrate solely on my violin parts or only on being an assistant, and so would Aliff like to concentrate on only one of his fifty responsibilities. But the probability of this coming true is very low indeed. It hit me quite hard when I realised I had more fun playing pool for twenty minutes than any of the music stuff.

All of this sounds a bit disheartening? Because it's coming from me. But according to our audience and all the other performers involved that night, they enjoyed the concert so much that some of them raved about it their entire ride home. I won't pretend to be altruistic, but I understand that that's what really matters. I know we're not doing any of this for our own enjoyment, but it felt sad when music became labour and I wished to see the end of it asap. It would be nice if there was more visible progress after having done this for almost ten years, even if there is no tangible reward.

As for personal development, I'm happy that I can feel an improvement in my playing with each event, even though I haven't yet reached the level where I can perform the way I imagine it in my head. It is an honour to be able to play in a professional ensemble at this age, but it's easy to forget this when you have close ties with the music director.